I have a kind of suburban existence which is mental given the dippy hippy – “jumper on to bandwagons of lost causes” – I was way back then. Greenham Common for example circa 1985. Though if I am honest I was equally interested in the American soldiers with their pearly white teeth & sexy accents than I was in nuclear weapons! They talked to me (”Hi Honey”) – so maybe I didn’t look like the others eh? Though I went on day coach trips – air conditioning – stopped at nice service stations to buy prawn sandwiches. (On no – not prawns – I was a veggie then – but fish is okay right & prawns are a lower life form & don’t really have a face?) Anyway – I didn’t sleep in a bin bag or a shared tent & certainly (while I am not against it in principal) I didn’t do oral sex on hairy radical men haters. That aside – I wasn’t for shitting in a hole for any feckin cause – lost or otherwise. So maybe that made me a fake – but I did subscribe to the save the planet – love & peace – burn your bra brigade! But even then – always shaved my legs & would not been seen without my slap on. Ok – Ive progressed through the ranks from No. 7 to Rimmell – to Max Factor & now only Estee Lauder will do. But now I am kinda discovering that despite the pension plan & new car every few years – I still hold dear some of the morals / beliefs that carved out my identity back then. Less radical perhaps – but basic human kindness – respect for others – investing in our children – looking after old people – a decent social security system & the like. I just dont wear the “uniform” these days – who needs an Afghan coat anyway – smells like a feckin mountain goat  when it rains! But more & more – the principals are reemerging.

I digress! Suburbia – its okay. Clean lines – clean sheets – nicely mowed lawns – respectable neighbours – no nasty broken down cars on driveways lowering the tone of the neighbourhood & probably more swinging going on than in most “less respectable” areas. (Not me though – too impersonal for me) I have got an ISA – a fab pension plan – a cleaner (Though I clean before she comes). Probably got much of what I thought I wanted. Except while I wasn’t overtly unhappy (much too civilised for that) – I had become staid – dull – celebit or as good as & the woman was a shadow of the girl she used to be. Though she was in there somewhere – it had been so long since I’d seen her – we were almost strangers. But she is back – but better. Another metamorphosis – a bloody marvelous one at that. I am a woman  happy in her skin (okay – maybe on the “turn” marginally – but a couple more years before a face lift is the only option) I always mused in my younger days when I heard 40 something women rant on about being at their best. A load of twaddle I thought – but hey – it true. Confidence – courage & not to mention the hormones. It bloody fab.

The job – its fairly responsible. I work with families of kids with developmental delay & difficult behaviours. I tell you – many of these families inspire me – with their enthusiasm & cheeriness despite the burden they carry. Some annoy / frustrate the hell out of me – too wound up with their own problems to be objective about the needs of the kids. And I can only do so much. Progress takes effort – willingness & the patience of a saint. But there again – I haven’t walked a mile in their shoes – so who am I to judge. Its a nice job – the client bit anyway. The politics of the NHS get worse by the day & with yet another “reorganisation” upon our little service – too depressing to contemplate. If you ever hear the term “modernisation” in relation to your local clinic or hospital – don’t believe a word of it. Within the context of human services – the modernisation word only means one thing? Saving money – cutting services & circulating propaganda that services will be better as a result. It bullshit.

The marriage – I had a good 8 years of the last 10 – though the 20 years age gap caught up. And the house is being sold now – the civility is painful & a new start beckons. It has been a good marriage all things considered. No manic fighting – few cross words – but increasingly separate existences. I was the domestic Goddess – cooked amazing meals always served with just the right wine – amazing sweets & entertained like a professional. I liked that – but with hindsight – the way I excelled in the domestic front – perhaps compensated for some of the deeper though fundamental stuff that was lacking.  However – I do believe that I was where I needed to be for that time. No regrets – no really – none.

The kids are growing up. Big son  number 1 is at University & apart from needing money – is independent. He is quite a guy. Smart – funny – popular – a party animal & has more friends than he know what to do with. Everyone loves him. The smaller guy has a couple of years to go before he finishes school. He is a deep soul. Though lacks confidence & his self image is very poor. Try as I do to help him to value himself – I fail every time & I fear he is destined to be a troubled soul for some time to come – perhaps for his whole life. That is a scary prospect & if I think too long about his woes – I could weep. Im better of I can do practical stuff to help & no amount of “what you need to do is…” will help the little guy see beyond the misery he feels a lot of the time.

And so to now? Guess when it comes to relationships I always held a little back – though unintentionally. Maybe even was in control in some ways.. I guess there are not many women who can say that they always got it right? I certainly didn’t. Been involved with some odd balls – aggressors  & the like & often stayed longer then I should. The problem with being an old hippy at heart – I tried to always find something beautiful in everyone. Anyway – I am no victim. Poor judgement perhaps – but I am only a person at the end of the day. I was never afraid of being on my own. Really I wasn’t. Plus the prospect of being “out there” was awful. Had a few nights out with girlfriends of late & being pawed by drunken twats was not the way I wanted to meet someone.  I cant stand drunk people – unless I am drunk myself. Anyway even if the house had been sold months ago & I was settled & set up in a new home – I really doubt if I would have been at all fussed about meeting anyone. Being alone was not something that I dreaded.

Now heres a story? I was going to the dentist a few months ago with my boy – was 45 minutes early. The boy moaned – “I don’t want to sit in the waiting room for ages – it boring”. So we take a walk up the high street. Now way back 12 or so years ago – there was this man? We did some work together from time to time & I was a regular visiting professional in his place of work. The sparks between us were electric. I would flirt – he wouldn’t. We buzzed professionally – we were quite a formidable team. The weeks – months & years passed. Our contact was intermittent – but the longing on my part never went away. A few times he was an arrogant sod – but still there was something very powerful. We never stepped over the line then & as is the case – we lost contact.

Where was I? Oh yes walking up the street with my grumpy boy. I squinted – looked harder to make sure I wasn’t imagining things & there he was outside a bar smoking a cigarette.My God – how my heart jumped. A quick drink – a million things to say to each other – yet no need for words.  Every spare minute since has been together – where we should be. No corners – no spaces – just  us. So many laughs & stories to tell. For now though all I need to say is that for the first & last time WE are in the right place.

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